A Letter for him...

There are so many things I wanted to say to you and because I'm missing you so bad, I decided to express my feelings through an online letter that you may not even be able to read.

On my first day of work in that company, I was first introduced to you formally during my onboarding. You immediately caught my eye for to be honest, you are actually a good looking man but then at that moment, I did not know that you will make a big impact in my life. I even find you a bit snobbish at first so when I talked to my cousin I said to her that "there's a guy in the office who I find attractive but seems so unapproachable". Months pass by that I only get to see you in the office and not even had any decent talk with you. What changed my impression with you is when you approached our department one day, I got to talk to you a bit and even found out that we live in the same neighborhood. The surprising thing is, I don't really know you even though it unfolded that we live only a couple of houses away most of our lives, we knew common people and that we even studied in the same university. Maybe that's also the time I started to feel at ease with you, knowing that we have a lot of things in common.

Come the month of May, I felt so trapped with the work that I chose and I was so down that time then I get to hear this rumor going around that you are not into girls. I guess my heart wouldn't let me believe the rumor so when a chance came for us to go home together, I immediately grabbed it. Everyone close to me find this funny, for the first time we went home together, I was analyzing all your actions, mannerisms and all looking for ways to find out if you are really gay or not. I was so confused and even my close friends were rattled for I kept on asking their opinions.

Time goes on and lots of instances of us going home together after work, I started to feel really comfortable with you and my heart says that no, you are really a guy in the truest sense. One day after work, you started opening up to me, releasing the stress you had with a work mate that day. To be honest, I felt really flattered for I know that you trusted me and you even said sorry that you just have to get it off your chest. That was really something for me, I suddenly became somewhat your to-go-to person. Sorry for the term ;)

I was actually confused with your actions, it was like you were constantly sending mixed signals. Sometimes it feels like you actually enjoyed my company but there were also times that it seems you just can't say no to me whenever I ask you if we will be going home together. But I enjoyed and valued every moments that we were together especially the times when we stopped talking about work on our way home and we started to share things about our families. I find it endearing that we both seem to have a tight-knit family and that we are both close to our cousins. Then the teasing started, you just seem to love to tease me and I totally enjoyed our playful banters.

As days goes on, I didn't know when I actually started to develop feelings for you. Maybe it's because I really find your company comfortable, that our minds are in the same wavelength and that you are literally the "guy-next-door". I was well aware of the fact that you were about to leave the company soon and face the fact that I won't be able to see you everyday but still I took a risk. The risk that if I get to know you better, I might fall for you and that the chances of this whatever we have going somewhere is low. Yeah, my heart is stubborn and totally ruled over my mind. If you will ask me what are the things that I liked about you, I don't think I can even list them all. All I can say is that I find you a very wonderful person, a guy who seems really quiet but whom you can have deep conversations with; a guy who can be playful at times and knows how to make me laugh and in return who laughs genuinely whenever I do or say something silly; the guy who is conservative, smart, God-fearing and most of all loves and values his family so much and lastly, the guy who always remember the things that I said or shared (which at times, me myself don't even remember them at all) and the guy who can see through me and sense my emotions. Maybe those were the said reasons why I fell for you.

I ignored all those things, rumors that I heard about you and stick to the man that I got to know personally. Come the month of July, near the day of your last stay in the company, I started to feel that some things changed. Something I can't really describe but I felt that your feelings changed which I really hoped that I was not wrong. Maybe it started when it suddenly rained one late afternoon on our way home and we only had one umbrella to share. To be honest, I am not fond of rain but because of that moment, that I was with you, it became bearable and even a remarkable one. It was like one of the scenes in the korean dramas I have watched before. We both got wet but still we get to laugh at ourselves that time and even shared what our favorite hot drinks are like that I am into coffee and you preferred chocolate drinks. The next day, I was not feeling well getting rained on that night before and then you suggested a way on how we can get home, avoiding getting drenched by rainwater. That time, I felt your care for me which made my hopes up. One day in the office, I even caught you looking at me in an intense way that I can't exactly describe. That look made my heart flutter so I immediately went back to my desk, trying to contain my feelings.

Honestly, you are the guy that I prayed hard for. I started praying hard everyday, telling God that I am letting him guide me or us on whether our relationship will go to another level, whether we are meant to be together. On your last week at work, I didn't want to feel too  sad about it but I wanted to take advantage of the remaining days that I will be able to go home along with you. But then you started to change, I felt that you suddenly started avoiding me and I confirmed it one day after work. You saw me and my close friend getting out of the office and you stopped and acted busy with your phone. You thought that I did not notice you but I totally did and I felt totally hurt. That time I pretended to be fine while I was still with my friend but the moment I got home and entered my room, my tears started to drop. I just couldn't help it for I felt really hurt by what you did. That is the one moment I know you will never know of unless you read this one.This is kinda low but I hinted something to you through a post in the social media to which you reacted. For after that, I was prepared to ignore you but then you were the one who started bringing up reasons to talk to me. I totally felt your subtle ways of reaching out and later on, I realized that you did not want to deliberately avoid me in all sense but, you just didn't want us to go home together, alone. To console myself and someone at work (the only one at that time who I opened up to about you) also suggested that maybe, you were preparing me for the fact that I will have to start to getting used to going home alone again.

I continued praying to the Lord and asked for his guidance, to help me get over the fact of your nearing departure. Then a work-related matter came and during your last week and even your last day, we coincidentally had chances of going home together but I was a bit distracted that time. for I started to re-think if I should stay in the company or not which is not actually in any relation to you but only because of the things I endured for that company. I remember the last night we walked together, I only hinted to you that I am thinking of resigning as well and just shared a bit of the reason why. Then we bid farewells and you said to just keep in touch via social media. Now, that site is the only way that I can get to know updates on your life. You reminded me of the lyrics of the song saying "so near yet so far". Near in the sense that you only live a couple of houses away and yet so far because I don't even get to see you or talk to you in person.

As I end this online letter, I would like to say thank you. Thank you that the time I was so down and felt trapped at work and we started to become closer, you became one of the big reasons that made me stay in the company longer. Thank you for letting me get to know you, for your fun company, for several advice you gave, for giving me the feeling of being understood. Thank you that there were times that you became my to-go-to person as well and for giving me the feeling that I can say or share everything with you without the fear feeling of being judged. Thank you that I felt your concern for me for awhile and for giving me months of kilig doses. :) Thank you for showing me what a wonderful person you are and that I felt a bit of importance in your life whenever you share things about your future plans, your family and a glimpse of your childhood. Just thank you. I do not regret knowing you in this lifetime. We may or may not be meant to be together in the end but still I wish that you will get to live a happy life. If I am not the person God has meant for you, I will accept it and just wish you to find a woman who will make your family dreams come true for I know that you will make a great family man, husband and father someday. You deserve to be happy in life, which also goes for me :). Be happy, continue your devoted ways of serving the Lord and pursue your dreams.

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